When traveling around the world or cruising these Montreal streets, a good and cheap accommodation is not always easy to find. Hotel prices are out of this world and Youth Hostels are often dirty and filled with annoying college students. Sometimes even your own home is out of the way, for instance when you walk drunk out of the club at 3am and you need a 40$ taxi ride back to your apartment in Riviere-Des-Prairies. Mook Life has found the next best solution to your travel problems. It’s a free type of housing with complimentary breakfast and there’s even a chauffeur service to get you there… we present to you the Holding Cell.

Having first hand experience at many of these all-inclusive jail getaways and being surrounded by an entourage of graffiti writers and criminals, we’ve compiled for you today a guide to different holding cells from around the world. Save yourself some money or trip-planning headaches and come try the best kind of accommodation this side of the block. You don’t need to book in advance, just throw a brick through your nearest window and wait for the police chauffeur service to take you to your room. Your travel experiences will never be the same again!

CENTRE OPERATIONNEL CREMAZIE:

Centre Operationnel Nord is situated on Cremazie Boulevard near the Metropolitan Expressway. The surroundings of a looming highway are not the ideal Montreal scenery but it’s a direct path to the airport in case you need to bail out of the country fast and skip that court hearing. These holding cells get quite busy from Fridays to Sundays as the clientele comes from the Saint-Laurent boulevard clubbing district where most of the shootings, stabbings and fist fights take place on the weekend. You might eventually end up sharing a cell with colorful characters, a great thing if you like meeting new and interesting people but not recommended if you like your privacy and need a good night of sleep.

The menu at this emplacement is also quite varied. You have your usual plain flavored muffin for breakfast with milk carton, but sometimes one can get lucky and have the lunch hour special of a baloney sandwich and juice box with no straw (since some people can use the straw as a weapon). For the more creative out of us, the juice box can be transformed into a basketball throwing activity as you fold open the carton and try to throw your crumpled napkin into it from a distance. A pleasant and fun activity the whole family can enjoy!

The Mook Life panel of hand picked and professional critics have a few words to say about Centre Operationnel Cremazie.

Nixon: The breakfast muffin was pretty soft and enough to make a good pillow. However, very bad service as there was no blanket and the state of the bed was bad. Also the breakfast came very late, so this was not good for the comfort of my head. 3 stars.

Sewk : This facility has an isolation cell for drunks and junkies right in front of a regular cell, which can be quite entertaining at times, but most annoying when you’re trying to catch some sleep on the wooden bench of your cell with your hoodie as a pillow.
Staff makes the satisfaction of their customers a priority, and makes sure you’ll be back for repeat business; I was detained for 12 hours on the initial charges, questioned, charged and released on promise to appear, and arrested a second time right there inside the station on some extra charges before I could even walk out the door. Now that’s service!!
I should add that the pat-down stage of your incarceration at Centre Operationnel Nord is mediocre, as I was able to get away with hiding stolen drivers licenses from my wallet into my baggy pants while handcuffed and surrounded by officers. One thing is for sure: This place will give you good stories to tell!

Gustradamus:
Ambiance : 3\5,
Mooks from every hood end up here on route to RDP, mixed bag, cells are packed and face each other in a confrontational manner, but it’s still relaxed as compared to the RDP bullpens. Centralized location means you’re sure to run into someone you know, my boy Andre spotted me from the next cell, word.
Food: 2\5
Standard issue holding food, Milk or strawless OJ along with cold ham or cheese sandwich, too much margarine. The oatmeal breakfast/vegetarian option muffin is chewy and has a cinnamon spice, very nice.
Sleep: 0\5
The ‘Crem’lin is overcrowded, sleep is impossible here on a busy weekend, during which even seating is a privilege. Very drafty.
Access : 5\5
The best of all holdings, Cremazie is a stonesthrow away from the eponymous metro. Release from here is sweet, only a 5 minute ride from some of the best food the city has to offer.

CENTRE OPERATIONNEL GUY:

If you’re looking for a Downtown Montreal experience in the heart of the city bustle, then Centre Operationnel Sud on Guy Street is the perfect place for you. In the midst of downtown Montreal, these holding cells hold some of the most mooked-out characters to embrace our city streets. You can always find a steady rotation of junkies and bums from the Atwater or Berri area, providing countless hours of entertainment while you’re resting on your wooden bench and waiting for an early morning interrogation session with the detectives.

Maysr: I’ve stayed at the Centre Operationnel Guy on several occasions, in the late 90s-early 2000s I was considered a regular. Its nice to go where everyone knows your name. It’s located steps away from the Metro station and in the heart of many of Montreal’s main attractions.
When greeted at the front desk to confirm your reservation, the faggot of the evening kindly accepts your drugs, money, shoelaces and belt and holds them for you for the duration of your stay. They make a quick visual evaluation to see what type of accomodations would be most suitable for you and if you’re me, it seems like they would escort you to the mooktastic luxury suite(the drunk tank) 9 times outta 10. Upon entering you’re greeted by friends (happens all the time), strangers, people on business and people who just want a cozy place to stay for the weekend and a meal. The suite consists of 3 single beds (wooden benches) along the walls, a telephone and an open air washroom. There’s one window which gives you a great view of the local wildlife, pigs and incoming mooks. *side note: most hotels have bibles, the mooktastic luxury suite almost always has a penny on the ledge of this window to scratch in your name on the walls or bars of the suit but please remember to put it back where you found it cause only degenerates steal bibles.

Maysr: Smoking seems to be tolerated, I’ve seen crack being smoked on several occasions but they always find mine before I check in. Matches are valuable but any jail cell regular knows that a match can be separated into two and with a little work you can split 20 matches to make 40.
A meal is delivered by room service and is complimentary. The standard is a carton of milk and a muffin but if you’re lucky you’ll be in time for dinner which is a choice between a ham or cheese sandwich. I personally don’t eat meat but there’s no way that that purple thing between those slices of bread is meat so it’s nice that they are accommodating to vegetarians. Teaming up with another guest of the suite to make a ham and cheese sandwich is recommended.

Maysr: On one visit to this fine establishment, after removing my belt and giving it to the kind pussyhole fuck-nut at the front desk I was told to put my hands on the counter but I informed the pleasant shit-eater that if I put both hands on the counter my oversized pants will drop and I wasn’t wearing underwear. His response was “alot of the guys here really like young guys with long hair and no underwear!”. He then escorted me down the hallway and to my surprise, we went right passed my usual suite. He brought me to a “cozy” 8×8 room with three… lets be blunt here… huge stinkin’ native mental patients. They were all asleep on the floor and as soon as the cell door closed one woke up, raised his head, looked right at me and said: “What the fuck you lookin at little girl?” with some quick thinking I walked right up to him, looked down at him on the floor and yelled: “Im lookin at you!! Shut the fuck up and go back to sleep!!!”. He closed his eyes and fell back asleep. I peed my pants a bit and did the same. I was woken up by a well mannered cuntface pig tellin’ me he thinks I’m in the wrong cell. Yeah, no shit you fuckin’ dead hooker pussy eater.

In all honesty, I’ve never had much of a rough time in Centre Operationnel Guy. I’ve met friends in there, shared stories with great people and never stayed more than 18 hours. I would normally give this establishment a 4 out of 5 stars but based on the jackass who brought me to the oversized native mental patient fag cell and the lack of toilet paper in this place I’ll give it a 2.5 outta 5 stars

As mentionned earlier, the experiences one lives at this Centre Operationnel are quite exclusive as you may encounter all types of mooks.

Dhemz: Being arrested many times, I’ve seen a lot of holding cells and been to all the fucking Centre Operationels in Montreal and even outside of the city…
I’ve been so many times to the one on Guy that I should be able to get that hot cop-girl at the reception’s phone number. I personally don’t dislike that one the most but hate waking up there all fucked up. Still the cops aren’t that bad over there, they let me make a phone call from my cellphone and shit. I’ve seen so many fucked up characters like she-males being tied up to a strap-chair all while biting cops to the blood and screaming “I WANT ALL YOUR NAMES!!!”
But the most fucked up and confused experience I had was when I saw a monk in the whole orange and red suit with marble necklace being sent to a holding cell. He spent the one night there and got out before I did because I stayed the whole weekend there.
After keeping your mouth shut and calling you lawyer, the first thing you do is try to find a rock or anything to carve your name on the cells’ walls or door.
DON’T EAT THE DAMN SANDWICH you’re gonna want to poop your fucking life after. If you got arrested because you were drunk and rowdy you might have “that next morning beer dump”, so you don’t wanna add that stinkin’ fromage-jambon smell to it.. Trust me, other cellmates won’t appreciate that shit. Don’t fucking snore ill fucking yell at you to stop that shit and don’t be one of those fuckers that scream non-stop the whole fucking night: “Get me outttttt bla bla fuck you!!” When court day comes, everyone is looking for that fucker.
In these cells, there is always someone that knows you or that is close family to one of your boys.
So ill give a good old 2.5/5 stars to Centre Operationel Sud.

Nixon: There was a crackhead in my cell that kept saying ‘S’il vous plait’ for about 1 hour… very good. The cops had asked me to take off both of my socks so that I’d get more warts on my feet… bad results. After the interrogation, they placed me in a common cell where all the drug dealers were. Those guys were into heavy discussions and there was even a reunion of long lost friends who hadn’t seen each other in years. After giving each other hugs and pounds, one of the guys told his friend he liked his fresh Timboots (they were baby blue…).
Overall this place has a good ambiance, decent service, the muffin is fresh and the milk is at room temperature. It’s a great place to meet old co-workers from the street corner and you can always find rocks on the floor to scratch graffiti on the walls. 3 1/2 stars.

PARIS, FRANCE. GARDE A VUE:

The french have their own name when describing holding cells. The term G.A.V or ‘Garde A Vue’ is commonly used amongst french miscreants when talking about these types of accommodations. I recently heard from my boys out in Paris that they now have in-house lawyers on duty at the lockups… a great new service addition to these facilities that will undoubtedly revolutionize the Holding Cell Hotel industry! Here is what our panel of critics have to say about their all-inclusive vacation experiences at Paris’ finest.

Nixon: With its great cafés and restaurants Paris is a wonderful destination, however the holding cells are not well-maintained. There were lots of different messages written on the cells’ walls such as ‘Garde la Pêche’, ‘Casper’ and ‘Islam’, but the color of the walls were dull and lifeless. The smell of urine was very strong but since the cell is only about 2 squared meters and air was very rare, you get used to the smell quite quickly. If you are as lucky as I am, you will profit of the full 12 hour mandatory stay and have a roommate. I shared my cell with an eastern european car thief. Since there was only 1 bed, the guy told me something in his language that I didn’t understand and told me to move out of the way. I let him have the bed to himself. The guards were not very hospitable and spent most of their time making fun of my french accent.

Nixon: No breakfast included, very bad ambiance, a long wait on the benches and very tight handcuffs. However, I got a complimentary tour of the city when the agents wanted to see what I had painted.. very nice! 2 stars.

L’ESCALE, YOUTH DETENTION CENTER:

For those who aren’t old enough for the Holding Cell Experience, we’ve also reviewed Montreal’s Youth Detention Center located in the middle of the Rosemont District on Saint-Denis boulevard. Connected directly with Quebec’s Youth Criminal Court, this beautiful building’s architecture reminds us of something the University of Montreal would create as one of their HEC or engineering faculties. Here is what our panelist has to say about his time there back in the day.

Sewk: This facility has your average prison-like accommodation, not to be underestimated because of its “youth” status. Cells are approximately 8′ by 6′ and have full solid doors, no bars. You can enjoy a smaller than twin-size bed on a metal base. Staff has your health to heart, as shoe laces, belts, jewelry and other items are forbidden to prevent suicide or altercations; you must leave those out of your cell as well whenever you are required to be in there. Guards come by to check on you once every hour of the night with a flashlight. Since this is a place for a young clientele, they have an entertainment spot in the common area with video games and shit. This can definitely benefit you with some loungin’ time while awaiting trial, but can also be a source of heated, sometimes physical arguments with fellow inmates. Food is nothing that needs to be talked about, it’s similar to what you’d get in a hospital or any other government-managed building where you’d rather not be.

BUDAPEST, HUNGARY. HOLDING CELL:

A wise crook once told me to always wear jogging pants and velcro shoes before committing a crime, that way if you get bagged at least you know you’re gonna be comfortable in jail. He couldn’t be more right as it’s a norm throughout most the world’s holding cells to remove your belt and shoelaces before sending you in, that way you can’t hang yourself or choke your cellmate. Surprisingly, the holding cells in Budapest let you keep your shoelaces AND your belt, an added bonus for swagged out mooks who want to look fly even when in prison. When thinking about a poorer country like Hungary, one would think the the Holding Cells reminisce a Soviet Union dictatorship and would be in horrible shape. Wrong my friends! Some of the world’s nicest holding cells lie in the city of Budapest, an underground pearl most have not discovered yet and a place where Holding Cell tourism will most likely pick up. From the food menu to the entertainment by the local police force, this old school judicial system is a must-see for the more adventurous travelers amongst us!

Nixon: Finally, eastern european countries are great places to discover. Budapest is a beautiful city with grandiose boulevards and it’s in this wonderful place is where I found some of the nicest prisons. The holding cells were huge, about 4 to 5 square meters with a big window. They also place you in a cell with the friend you got caught with! The wearing of a baseball cap and backpack is tolerated inside… even better is that you have the right to keep a lighter and you can smoke cigarettes. The police would also knock on your door every hour and let you go to the bathroom in order to fill your bottle with water. Everyone smokes in the station, even the cops!
The breakfast is succulent: a fresh bread with the choice of canned spam or tuna. Also, the incarceration process is a true vestige of the communist era; they still take your fingerprints the traditional way with black ink in beautiful locales that remind you of the cold war.
Rest in Peace Tupac Shakur… Stop the War…

Nice open rooms await you, the food is great and you feel right at home. 4 1/2 stars.

BOSTON HOLDING CELLS:

Although most of the time holding cells can be a new and enjoyable experience, some of our experts beg to differ when it comes to the American system. The United States might be on top of the game in many commercial industries, but when it comes to Holding Cell Hotels its seems they are definitely sub-par as compared to the rest of the world. Here is what our panelist has to say.

Horne: It’s not too exclusive due to them dying to get you in there with any charge. They beg you to stay. They often provide blankets and cater to needs of milk and whale dick bologna sandwiches, you will spend time being told your celly is some ripped black guy who loves angel dust and white boys. I often amuse myself by telling the female officers that my babies momma looks a lot like them, they like the compliment. They will bring you into a new room and ask you questions about who you’re affiliated with and how long you have been doing what you have been doing. Just laugh and give them the goods: tell them how you write Banjo, you have been writing it for about a week and its to impress your girlfriend, you want an alternative lifestyle that makes you a bad boy but you don’t want to rob, rape or kill people so you will just do your thing. They often smell bullshit which usually leads to the end of the interview. On one occasion I was in my cell and requested my light be turned off, so I could get my sleep and they did just that. They often to never will do nice things for you… you are in a jail not a Days Inn. They don’t allow smoking in the cells but sometimes let you smoke before court. Often they have you in a single cell until it’s time to move to the court house. Then you are in the same sized cell with 20-40 people before you appear in front of the judge. The judges usually have hairs across their asses and sticks up them… so if they know you visited another one of their un-exclusive dives they will make sure they take you to some more. In my case they often do that. You will make a rounds, often being exposed to retards in general population you realize you should have stayed in that night. You get oatmeal soup for breakfast and maybe a corn muffin, black coffee and this is your highlight of your days cause you will eat food you would never have eaten on the outside. Cheese or peanut butter sandwiches on stale bread. Frosted shredded wheat without the frosting. If you don’t have money in your canteen forget eating anything worth eating. 0 stars out of 5.

This concludes our edition’s review of the Holding Cell Hotels. Since it plays a role in only transition prison, it’s the perfect tool to get a quick taste of the accommodations and lifestyle without being emerged too deeply in criminal life. Holding Cells are a great way to get away from the monotonous routine of your every day life and the stay is never too long as compared to Federal Penitentiary or the ’2 years minus 1 day’ bids in facilities such as Bordeaux or RDP. Call it a quick all-inclusive vacation to add a little bit of spice in your life and more importantly… free housing for the night with complimentary breakfast. Just enough to get sober again and walk out the next day feeling like a new man. Have a great stay, and we’ll see you mooks in court!